Kanye West’s new video “Bound 2” is so strange it defies all common decency. Kim and Kanye are new parents and they first thing they decide to do as a couple is make a lewd video.

Grade: F

Parody is the best medicine for this foolishness.

One late evening inside the Kardashian-West household. Lucky for us, the reality shows cameras were rolling:

Kim: “I’ve been thinking…”

Kanye: “What have you been thinking about, because I’ve been thinking too…”

Kim: “We need to get working on our wedding invitations.”

Kanye: “Wedding invitations! That’s so far off my road map. I’m thinking, like, right about now–we should make a video dedicated to our blossoming relationship. We can always do wedding planning later. Besides, you have your PR staff to help you with that stuff anyway.”

Kim: “Based on my personal experience, wedding planning takes a huge amount of time, energy, and money. So, we should start planning ASAP.”

Kanye: “Well, video productions take time too.”

Kim: “My first wedding cost over $10 million, throw in my $2 million engagement ring, and things turned out quite pricey, so I hope this video you have in mind isn’t going to blow our budget. You know how I like to go BIG for my special day!”

Kanye: “Don’t worry. This video shoot is going to be a low-budget affair.”

Kim: “How low?”

Kanye: “I pitched the idea to some of my production buddies, and they weren’t interested. So I’m going to have to produce this video on my own.”

Kim: “Why aren’t they interested?”

Kanye: “They not Jewish.”

Kim: “What does that have to do with anything?

Kanye: “If I had some Jewish connections, this video would already have been completed by now.”

Kim: “I have some Jewish friends in the entertainment industry who I could pitch your idea to. We could film it right here in the City. How fun would that be?”

Kanye: “I’m thinking more out West like Southern Utah.”

Kim: “Southern Utah? You’ve never even been there before.”

Kanye: “I fly over Utah all the time.”

Kim: “What’s your attraction to Southern Utah?”

Kanye: “The geological rock formations and all those free-roaming horses.”

Kim: “Who you kidding, horses scare the Beeyeezus out of you. Remember last time you saw a police horse in Central Park, it made you freak out, and I had to cuddle you in my arms for over an hour.”

Kanye: “There won’t be any real horses, just digital images of horses running around. This video is going to be on a very low-budget. The camera tapping will film us in front of a green screen. The horses and rock formations will be added in later, it’ll just look like we are in Southern Utah. Besides, we can’t go there because I don’t have any Mormon connections. In fact, I’ve never even met a Jack Mormon.”

Kim: “Can baby North be in the video, Please? Please? Pretty please?”

Kanye: “No, but her sister might be.”

Kim: “Huh?”

Kanye: “Remember how extreme marriage proposals used to be the rage, now extreme birthing is becoming popular. Well, I want to be ahead of the curve and make our video about extreme conception. It’s going to document how bound I am too you. Weddings come and go, but conception, that’s like bang, permanence, or semi-permanence, or something along those lines. When I’m old and gray, I’ll probably want to forget most of what happened on our wedding day, and quite possibly our whole marriage, but I’ll be darn sure not to forget that special moment of conception. We missed our first conception because of the unplanned nature of our relationship, but now I want to plan things out a little better.”

Kim: “Can I wear my wedding dress to the shoot?”

Kanye: “That won’t be necessary.”

Kim: “What shall I wear?”

Kanye: “I’m thinking like nothing because you’ll be bound to me physically.”

Kim: “Nothing? I hope it’ll be warm in the studio.”

Kanye: “There might be lots of fans blowing.”

Kim: “Why does it need to be windy?”

Kanye: “Because we’ll be speeding down a bumpy highway on a motorbike.”

Kim: “A motorbike! That doesn’t sound comfortable or arousing.”

Kanye: “Oh I’ll be aroused, I fantasize about making love on bikes all the time.”

Kim: “There’s no space on a motorbike.”

Kanye: “There’s plenty of space if you lay back on the handlebars.”

Kim: “If you say so.”

Kanye: “I’ve been doing some research lately; can you believe no one has ever filmed an actual conception on a motorbike? We’ll be the first.”

Kim: “Don’t you mean copulation, and not conception?”

Kanye: “You’re right! Most of the video will focus on the copulating part, which is of seminal importance to me, but we’ll ease into the conception part at the end. We’ll make it appear as if we have been driving through Utah for several days. It’s a big State, you know. We’ll have time.”

Kim: “I have a baby name idea coming! Southwest! It’s perfect. We can nickname her Swestie for short. How cute will that be?”

Kanye: “Brilliant Kim! Just Brilliant! Who knew conceiving video ideas and family size together could be so much fun.”


I’m not the only one who recognizes this video is outrageously cheap:

Two Irish Guys
Franco and Rogen


About Dadoo

A Catholic family man and scientist who finds solace in little joys and adventures. Turning to comedy, inspiring stories and music to lift spirits along the rugged road.

Posted on November 30, 2013, in Culture. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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